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i_am_just_bob
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Name: Jinu
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Cleveland
Gender: Male
Interests: Seeing, hearing, believing.
Watching videos of cars, motorcycles, children.
Listening to sounds, noises, molestation.
Confirming thoughts, suspicions, obsessions.
Expertise: I consider myself an expert of the cliche, the typical, and fruitless attempts at life.
Occupation: Business/Management/Janitor
Industry: Manufacturing/Production/Slave
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  jinu20
Member Since:
9/27/2002
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| It's a day past the day I was born + 27 years and just like every other year, I feel different and not at all changed at the same time.
I like to think that I ruminate on the things I've done, and the things I've accomplished to show for my time here... and I do. But honestly? I know I'm not doing much with my turn at living. I read books, watch movies, and play video games, and in all those things, there are stories about people who have actually done something with themselves. Fiction or otherwise.
Every time I take a breather from the daily mania of my life, I whisper "what have you done with your life?" and yeah, there is a lot of running around and occasional drama. But what have I achieved?
Don't get me wrong... I'm quite pleased with the way things have gone. But the thing I wonder about is what have I been aiming for? I distinctly remember thinking to myself back in high school that, "if I get myself into a position where I can live that way I like, pay for the things I want, and have someone who will voluntarily hold me, I would be content". By some idiot magic, I've accomplished that meager goal in life: I have a wonderful girlfriend who doesn't despise me (yet), I literally tell myself every few months that I don't have anything on my "to buy list" anymore, and I live a somewhat bachelor lifestyle.
I'm thankful for the things I've earned and the people I'm a part of. I'm a lot more confident in myself than I ever was a few years ago, and I live a comfortable life, and I can honestly say I work hard for it all. When I step back and am thinking practically, that is enough. This is good. This is what American living is all about. But when I get out of my head and think less methodically, I have this feeling in my chest like something wants to get out and do something more than being on track for an early retirement.
There is a price to be paid for all things. I knew that coming into this life, and I weighed my options like everything else in my life. I hope I'm making the right decisions, and that I'll be able to pay the bill without faltering or breaking down in tears, lamenting my life.
It has been a happy birthday. And it has been a day full of sighing.
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| you reap what you sow.
never more have these words been true for everything in my life.
i hope good things come out of all this.
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| i've been thinking about how i've been living for the last couple of years.
i don't even know when or how this started, but i've been working 12 hours basically every weekday for the past year or two. Sometimes more, sometimes less. There are many days where I work 13-16 hours, and god forbid if I go on a business trip... that's an automatic no sleep for a few days.
I don't know what happened to me. I used to think that the only point in time where a person is supposed to really "live" was when they were younger, and work til you're dead when you're settled down and older. Now, when people ask me "why do you work so much?" or "when do you sleep?", I just say, "when else am I going to work?" and "sleeping is for pussies". Honestly, I don't care about working a lot, or working hard cause if I didn't i'd probably be dead from being bored. or maybe I'd be happier. I'm not sure which. But I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things my other friends with a bit more conventional occupation are revelling in.
That said, I do have lots of good things going for me. I do alright for myself (well... considering my age) and I have one constant source of something I could honestly, truly, really describe as "good"... and I get to see her just about every day now. And I've really fallen in love with riding my bike, in a way that I don't think I'll ever get to feel with driving cars, or anything other hobby, for that matter.
After 2 years of being on a weekend to weekend basis with Denise, and another 2 years of seeing her 1 long weekend per quarter... it has really hit me how much I've been missing with her. Back when I was seeing her on the weekends and then seeing her once every few months, I'd get these rushes of affection and becoming a disgusting, baby-like creature that just clinged to her everywhere and everytime we were together. And then when we were apart, I'd become emotionally distant and almost a bit cold when we were talking on the phone every night. After actually sharing a house with her for the past couple months, looking back on it, I can imagine it was pretty damn hard on her to adjust from "affectionate puppy-love idiot" to "far-away, dead on the inside douche" and back again. The only reason I got through the constant long distance was cause of how I handled losing her again and again... but it's harder for her to numb things out, so it must've been much harder for her.
Living with her now, lets me see how our lives would be if I keep up with my semi-demanding work schedule. And looking at it, I think I could do it because she'll be there. I think without her there to bring me back to where I'm supposed to be, I'd just die a little more every day until I was a 60 year old man at age 40.
I like to imagine I haven't wasted the first third of my life. Back when I was bored and angsty in my high school and college years, I always thought how I couldn't stand it if I never found something I really truly liked/loved. Yeah, I know plenty of people who have accomplished much more than I have (sadly, a lot of my friends can claim this) and have experienced many many more "intense" things, and are generally a lot more likeable than I am... but I still like to think I haven't waste my life. I don't know if this is true. Maybe I'm just hoping to rationalize my spectacular failure at living a life not totally bound by the material like I used to rail against. Maybe I'm too dead to care anymore.
But I know, beyond all doubt, that there are two new things I really really love about being alive (on top of the usual things like my family, puppies, porn and masturbating): Finally being able to see, hold, and warm my cold, sorry, dead, cynical, pessimistic heart with Denise just about every day, and being able to really enjoy riding a motorcycle.
I hope I never have to give up the things and people I love because of inconveniences like making money. and dying. and dying while making money. and/or dying in order to make money.
As a side note, I have to figure out how to psyche myself into releasing adrenaline during the long ride back from the good roads after a 8-12 hour long ride. I mean, it's natural to be tired after riding nothing but twisty roads at undisclosed speeds and being a few inches from having your shoulder touch the road during every corner... but basically, it never fails that I'll start falling asleep during the ride back home, and the only thing that wakes me up is almost missing a turn or finding myself wandering in the lane and freaking the fuck out. That's bad when you're cruising at 70+mph on a somewhat busy highway. I've tried screaming random things, hitting myself, singing really loud, and other unspeakable things, but I can never get that rush of adrenaline like almost dying will. Maybe I need to have a quadruple shot of espresso before I ride home. That almost gave me a heart attack last time.
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| happenings in the past few weeks:
shooting with tall skinny white guy with a good sense of humor. if you don't have one already, be sure to put one on your shopping list. everyone should have a tall skinny white guy with a good sense of humor for a friend. better yet, you can be friends with danielsan. he's the bestest.
riding with a large group on sunday. day started well with a big group with a big variety of bikes. one of the fastest guys in our group crashed during the ride due to some possibly drunk/sleeping dumbass who was in the middle of the road. fast guy (who used to race in wera) tapped the front to decel and avoid, but front end tucked in and he low sided into the steep face of a dirt hill. Had fun having lunch with a couple gun nuts and a couple liberal christians and their strange dad who decided he needed to show off his gun, but putting his foot up on the table right next to my face and showing off the gun on his ankle. he should not do that to people who are also carrying guns. and knives. also, he should not do that in a place that serves alcohol, since carrying a gun (much less, brandishing) in a place that serves alcohol is fairly illegal.
did nothing on labor day but hang with my sistar and play video games.
i got to ride a ducati 748. It is one of those bikes where it looks so good, that although it's not necessarily as good a bike as others I've ridden, it just feels damn special to ride on. That "magic" feeling, if you will. I'd say it's akin to getting a ride in a old ferrari. Which, I've never had the pleasure, so I'm just making stuff up.
I had another ride the weekend after, and lead a group of 3 guys and 2 "two uppers" (basically, 4 people riding on 2 bikes). It's amazing how fast you can go with a passenger in the back, since I was giving them a decent pace to follow and the couple behind me were only a few minutes behind.
I feel like I'm nearing a plateau in the development of my riding "skills" (or lack thereof). I'm nearing the limit of what a sporty rear tire will allow for lean, and have about 1/2" of sidewall left with the front tire. I think the only way I'm going to get past where I am now is to do a LOT more miles on the back roads or do a couple trackdays. I've always wanted to do one, but mid-ohio only has them on week days, and I'm also terrified of hurting my bike. And a bit afraid of killing myself. Strangely enough, I'm more afraid of the former than the latter... mostly since if I go down during the track day, I'll most likely low side and slide off the track, where as if the bike did that, that's at least a $1000 worth of damage on the plastics alone. I'll just keep telling myself that that would be the perfect opportunity to justify buying carbon fiber fairings.
Denise is out of town until the last sunday of the month. I hate being alone at my house, after being long distance with her for over 4 years. Also, she is a pretty damn tasty cook. It's time to get caught up on my porn.
I think this year will teach me how to deal with impending doom. I hope I won't have to go through a year where it will teach me how to recover from utter failure.
embellished manga face. thanks denise. FOR NOTHING!
jk. i love you.
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| weekend wrap up:
shooting was fun. hawt kawrl shot very well. i dare say he's a natural at it. i, as per usual, shot poorly.
aaron had a A4 carbine he bought a couple days before. neat to shoot. weird snicky mechanical feeling. i should try shooting mine sometime.
went on a wild goose chase after a g35 meet. i'm not even sure it was that weekend, now.
our house is finished painting. it looks pretty nice.
next on home improvement list: master bedroom expansion, and hard wood flooring.
the older i get, the more i feel like there is not enough time in the day/week/month/year.
the more you learn about things and people, the more you come to wonder and suspect. i feel like i've lost something important as I put things together. I don't know if i should call it naivete or innocence. it's too late to care.
i hope everyone lives well. i hope i continue to be lucky in life. i have a sense of dread that it will all come crashing down, and i will get what i deserve. i'll continue to go forward, whether into success or utter failure.
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